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October 22, 2010 / Dan Whipple

Off Topic: The Divine Sarah

Sarah Palin by David Shankbone

Sarah Palin. Photo by David Shankbone, courtesy Wikipedia Commons

“As a potential candidate, Palin has done nothing to show that she’s boned up on the issues that often tripped her up in 2008. As an emerging media star, she’s played her cards just right.”Howard Kurtz in the Washington Post.

March 10. Sarah Palin predicts a magnitude 6.9 earthquake in Chile within 24 hours.
March 20. Sarah Palin picks every game correctly in her bracket for the NCAA basketball tournament.
March 21. Sarah Palin casts all 212 House votes against health care reform.
March 27. Sarah Palin fixes all the legal errors in John Yoo’s torture memos.
April 1. Sarah Palin is person #1 on her census questionnaire.
April 3. Sarah Palin walks right through a crowd of teenage boys on the sidewalk.
April 7. Scientists discover that Sarah Palin is able to live underwater for weeks.
April 14. Sarah Palin writes out the entire Na’vi dictionary and grammar from memory.
April 16. Sarah Palin beats Michael Jordan in H-O-R-S-E.
April 18. Every Google search between one and two p.m. is “Sarah Palin.”
May 1. A new dinosaur from Utah is named for Sarah Palin.
May 14. Sarah Palin repays the national debt out of her speaking fees.
May 21. Sarah Palin quantifies dissolved titanium in open ocean seawater.
May 28. Sarah Palin develops 4-D movie technology.
June 1. Sarah Palin completes the next installment of the Twilight saga.
June 5. Sarah Palin makes $8 billion from the Citigroup bailout.
June 11. Sarah Palin dismantles an Iranian nuclear facility.
June 12. The Seattle Mariners name Sarah Palin their pitcher for opening day, 2011.
June 16. Sarah Palin packs her own reloads.
July 1. Sarah Palin saves fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
July 12. Sarah Palin explains the prevalence of marital breakups in western societies as an analogue of the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
July 20. Sarah Palin cracks the Guinness Book of World Records for repeating phrase “hopey changey thing.”
August 2. Sarah Palin watches Youtube videos in Braille.
August 14. Sarah Palin creates 162,000 new nonfarm jobs to fact-check her next book.
September 1. Sarah Palin loses a few inches off her belly by using this one simple tip.
November 2. Sarah Palin’s stock opens higher.

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2 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. chas / Oct 25 2010 12:05 am

    She scares Chuck Norris and he scares sh*t sh*tless…

  2. Nadia / Oct 27 2010 4:42 am

    Whipple, you are hilarious. I think I still have the similar list you made when it was announced, back in 1996, that we might someday have 500 cable channels to choose from. Only mistake you made back then was failure to anticipate that 300 of them would be devoted to Sarah Palin. I just tweeted your post. You should tweet. You would find it annoying, and that would give you something new to write about. Miss you. Hope your lip is down so you can drink coffee now. Stop eating whatever it was. — Nadia

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